THE TED DAVIS
The following tips are from various drafts of the screenplay, pitches, sequel ideas and other sources, in descending order:
THE GOLDEN BACHELOR RULES
Bachelor Tip #100: Never think you're God's gift to women... but be optimistic enough to think they're God's gift to you.
Bachelor Tip #99: Never make a promise you don't intend to keep.
Bachelor Tip #98: Never tell a girl you love her if you're not sure.
Bachelor Tip #97: Never try to make love while suppressing a fart.
THE ART OF SEDUCTION: HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN
Bachelor Tip #95: "Tell her your hopes and fears, tell her your secret desires - everything deep down inside - then you’re in there, baby! Sell her on the product. You need brand recognition - sell the sizzle, and pound that message home." NOTE: Don't tell her your real hopes and fears - just the ones that she'd find interesting. See tip #43, "THE OLD HONESTY GAG." (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #94: Corny pickup lines - "I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?" "The word of the day is legs... what do you say, let's go back to my place and spread the word?" "How'd you like three inches of pink steel?" "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?" "I know your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day." "I was just wondering if heaven knows you're here, because it's missing an angel."
Bachelor Tip #93: More corny pickup lines - "Hey baby, how would you like to join me in some math? Let's add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!" Stick finger in drink, flick it on her shirt, then: "How about we get out of these wet clothes?" "You know where that dress would look great? On the floor in my bedroom."
Bachelor Tip #92: Even more corny pickup lines - "Do you have a quarter I can borrow? I told my mother I would call her when I fell in love." "(Her name)? My mother's name is (her name)." "Do you want to go in halves on a baby?" "If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?" "Your face or mine?" "If I gave you some negligee, would there be anything in it for me?"
Bachelor Tip #91: Good pick-up line - "Hey, are those scary jerks annoying you with their corny pickup lines? How about I just sit here next to you, so they leave you alone..."
Bachelor Tip #90: First impressions are important, so always have a good smile, great body language, a strong sense of humor, and most importantly, a Porsche.
Which brings us to the most important tip for picking up women:
THE "JAMES COBURN"
Bachelor Tip #88: The 'James Coburn' is an art that must be practiced. You must know when to use the "In Like Flynt," the "Hard Times," or the "Magnificent Seven" with a woman... and then, ultimately, know when it's time to make "The Great Escape." It's not easy. Even James Coburn had to practice the 'James Coburn.' (Watch, at right.)
Bachelor Tip #87: If it bombs, remember that while he was an Oscar winner, even James Coburn once had to guest-star on "Picket Fences."
DATING & RELATIONSHIPS
Bachelor Tip #85: "Rock-to-cock ratio:" Women prorate the size of the penis you give them to the size of the ring you give them.
Bachelor Tip #84: Women in a relationship will not tell you if you're having a sex problem... but they will tell their friends, their mother, people on the elevator...
Bachelor Tip #83: Men go into a relationship thinking, "She'll never change. Women go into a relationship thinking, "I can change him."
Bachelor Tip #82: In a relationship, expect a two or three week period in which your girlfriend will become completely fascinated with your penis. Dr. Frankenstein couldn't have devised more hideous experiments. (NOTE: If the experiments start to involve acid or butcher knives, then she doesn't like you anymore).
Bachelor Tip #81: Never date anybody from your work. When you're fooling around you'll feel like you should be working, and when you're working you'll feel like you should be fooling around... And when you break up she'll accuse you of doing both.
Bachelor Tip #80: Never let a woman rename your wang.
Bachelor Tip #79: "No matter how hot the girl, some guy somewhere thinks she's a pain in the ass"... truer words were never spoken - except for, maybe, "Who the hell cares what that guy thinks? I'm just trying to get laid."
Remember... What would James Coburn do?
THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES, EXPLAINED
Bachelor Tip #77: Date foreign women. When you're an a-hole to her, she'll assume it's a problem with your culture and not with you.
Bachelor Tip #76: Character is important to a woman. So she likes to know that you're still friendly with all of your ex-girlfriends... but the first time she catches you actually speaking to an ex-girlfriend, get ready for a fight. (Corollary: If you want to stay on friendly terms with an ex-girlfriend, never speak with her (you didn't break up because you were getting along, and the terms she used weren't friendly).
Bachelor Tip #75: Occassionally women will accuse you of crazy things with no factual basis, having no evidence, for which any rational response would be impossible. We men call this 'psychosis.' Women call this 'intuition.'
Bachelor Tip #74: "It wasn't me. I was never there. Your friends are wrong."
Bachelor Tip #74-A: "How could I have been there again when I wasn't there in the first place?"
Bachelor Tip #73: Sex for women is a way to make men shut up and actually talk honestly to them.
Bachelor Tip #72: "I'm telling you - that wasn't me. I think your friends are trying to hurt you."
Bachelor Tip #71: Women are looking for a real catch; Men prefer to catch and release.
Bachelor Tip #70: Hate is a passion, too. Don't let dislike get in the way of really good sex.
Bachelor Tip #68: To get a good idea of how a girlfriend will look in a few years, check out her mom.
Bachelor Tip #67: You just had to sleep with your girlfriend's mom, didn't you...?
Bachelor Tip #66: "I did not sleep with your mom. I don't know why your mom said that. It wasn't me. Maybe she's trying to hurt you."
Bachelor Tip #65: Although anatomically close on the female figure, a woman's anus and her vagina are miles apart psychologically.
Bachelor Tip #64: Women are more sex-crazed than men. Case in point: It's fine for women to have vibrators, but is it okay for men to get caught hiding huge pink vibrating plastic vaginas in their dresser drawers? Noooooooo!
Bachelor Tip #63: A woman's greatest fear is to be seen as a sex object; a man's greatest dream is to be seen as a sex object.
Bachelor Tip #62: When dating a woman with an annoying, toy-like mini-dog, you're dating the dog, too. Embrace the dog and she will embrace you. (But that's as far as you want to go.)
Bachelor Tip #60: Women are temporary pleasures, but your friends will never leave you - especially when you're trying to be alone with a woman.
Bachelor Tip #58: In the phone sex business, "harass" is two words.
Bachelor Tip #57: When you can't stand her anymore, take out your aggresions with paintball fights: "I love the smell of non-toxic, water-based enamel in the morning."
Bachelor Tip #56: If you have more than three rotisserie league teams, you need to start dating again.
Bachelor Tip #55: There are no true Marx Brothers movies after "A Day at the Races." And "A Day at the Races" is even questionable.
Bachelor Tip #54: Yes, we all know the stripper giving you a lapdance isn't really a "college student" like she's telling you, but play along with it. She should be allowed to fantasize during this, too.
Bachelor Tip #54-A: Stripper perfume is the most powerful scent in nature. No amount of cologne, soap, shit, or showering can remove it. Your girlfriend will still smell it. Burn your clothes, shave off all your hair... and I still can't guarantee you won't get caught.
Bachelor Tip #53: The Three Stooges are supposed to be stupid - that's why they're called "stooges." Duh...
HELPFUL HINTS FOR THE BACHELOR LIFESTYLE
Bachelor Tip #51: "Sexist" is an ugly word... that's why I prefer "post-feminist."
Bachelor Tip #50: Be discriminating and always play it safe - I try to play it safe 2-3 times a week.
Bachelor Tip #49: It's okay to call a woman the day after a date... but only if you left your wallet at her apartment.
Bachelor Tip #48: A bachelor's idea of commitment is putting a girl on speed-dial.
Bachelor Tip #47: Men can become fathers at any age, so don't worry about any biological clock... Just don't wait too long, or she'll have to change your diapers along with the kid's.
Bachelor Tip #46: Never zip up real quick when you're not wearing underwear.
Bachelor Tip #45: Foods that diminish the male sex drive: Anything fried, anything with grease or fat. Food that diminishes a woman's sex drive: Wedding cake.
Bachelor Tip #44: Chicken on pizza is just wrong.
Bachelor Tip #43: When you are caught, desperate, or want to play headgames, you can use "THE OLD HONESTY GAG." NOTE: Never be honest for its own sake, and be selective in your honesty - it's just a means to get you laid. Remember, if you were always truly honest, she'd know all you ever really think about is sex, and she'd hate you.
Bachelor Tip #42: Never lie. Am I telling the truth about this? I'll never tell.
Bachelor Tip #41: Beauty is only skin deep - but that's as deep as your eyes can see.
Bachelor Tip #40: Whenever filming sex with your girlfriend, STAY OUT OF THE FRAME! The first time you know how you actually look naked is the last time you'll be able to work up an erection.
NOTE: James Coburn would never have needed to read 60 Bachelor Tips already. You should be ashamed of yourself.
SEX & ROMANCE: Bachelors all should know a few tricks sexually - other than beg, roll over and play dead.
Always capitalize the first letter. When she's close, hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."
Bachelor Tip #38: Sex with love is great, but sex for revenge ain't bad, either! (Also Bachelorette Tip #488).
Bachelor Tip #37: Never leave the bed until she's asleep. If she's still awake, she isn't finished having sex.
Bachelor Tip #36: Never pay for sex... with credit cards.
Bachelor Tip #35: When grabbing a lotion out of the medicine cabinet for lubrication, make sure it doesn't include a tanning element.
MANNERS & ETIQUETTE
Bachelor Tip #33: Never create a meal that takes longer to cook than it does to eat.
Bachelor Tip #33-A: Wine pairings are extremely important. The more you serve, the less she can taste your cooking.
Bachelor Tip #33-B: Not a wine guy? Simply serve red wine with red meats and white wines with white meats. Offer champagne with dessert. Discriminating ladies are impressed by Dom Pérignon Champagne ($119.00 per bottle); less discriminating ladies will be impressed by Ballatore Spumante champagne ($6.99 per bottle) poured into that empty bottle of Dom Pérignon ($119.00 per bottle).
Bachelor Tip #32: Try to keep your place a little messy for her - it makes her feel needed. Not like you're a slob, just a little disorganized. Love Mix CD's and old Fortune magazines are okay, used underwear is not. She likes to feel you need her touch, not that she'll be chipping the ring off your toilet bowl with an ice pick all day.
Bachelor Tip #29: Whatever food was left out overnight on your counter is okay to eat the next morning, because "it was probably pretty cold in here last night." Also remember the three second rule - if food is only on the floor for three seconds, it's still okay to eat.
Bachelor Tip #29-A: Addendum to three second rule - any amount of time that food spends on the floor is okay, as long as nobody else saw it sit there for more than three seconds.
Bachelor Tip #28: Colognes: Your body gives off heat, which can cause odors. So, whatever body part gives off the most heat is the BEST place to apply your cologne. Try:
Your scent is important. She will always remember the scent as your scent. So whenever she walks through a department store and smells that cologne, she will instantly remember you. If she dates another man wearing the same cologne, thanks to psychology, she will ALWAYS think of you. So avoid popular brands like Eternity by Calvin Klein or Lucky Number 6 by Liz Claiborne, as she's probably already dated guys who wore those brands. Try a more exclusive scent like "Leather in a Bottle" rejuvinator oil from Zaino Brothers, and tell her you pick up that smell whenever you drive your new Ferrari.
ADVANCED PICK-UP TECHNIQUES: For the real players...
Bachelor Tip #27: Always try to appeal to a woman's sense of youth. Example: Wonder Woman Pez dispensers (Pez was changed to Poopmoose in the film, when the Pez company wanted money for the mention.) Other youth-appeal techniques: Make out on a park playground at sunset (say, "You make me feel like a 7-year-old, sneaking kisses behind the school slide." She'll love that), or buying her the footie-pajamas that she loved so much as a kid, which she will delight in wriggling out of again to thank you. WARNING: But positively no sex with diapers! That shit is too freaky!
Bachelor Tip #26: Hit her car in the Safeway parking lot. Just go about five miles an hour, but still insist on taking her to the hospital. Follow her into the examination room and take pictures 'for the insurance'. If you're discrete, you can also buy her chest x-rays from the doctor.
Bachelor Tip #25: When pursuing a doctor, enter the emergency ward on her shift pretending to be sick. Downside: She could be a bad doctor and remove your appendix. Upside, once she realizes her mistake and will do anything to avoid a malpractice suit, you and she could be bedridden for weeks.
Bachelor Tip #24: At a basketball game, when you see a hot chick with another guy, go to the security guards and report that your wallet was stolen; give them a description of her features and clothing. When they track her down and don't find your wallet, castigate them for bothering her and buy her a few drinks.
Bachelor Tip #23: Tell her you're a movie producer and she can have a starring role in your next big comedy... She ends up playing a bit part, with a couple lines... And you can't even see her face.
Bachelor Tip #20: Women crave great conversation. Here are three phrases that will guarantee the kind of banter she craves: "Really?" "Uh-huh," "Tell me more."
Bachelor Tip #19: Don't shit in your own nest, meaning: Never hit on more than one girl in the room; never hit on her best friend or worst enemy (basically the same person). (Gordie's corollary: "What are you, high? Shit away! Shit away!")
Bachelor Tip #18: Women like well-read men, so have your library prominently displayed. (Ted steps to a bookcase, slipping new book jackets such as Susan Faludi's 'Backlash' and 'The Poetry of Sylvia Plath' over 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' and the 'Three Stooges Video Checklist'.)
Bachelor Tip #16-B: Pick-up hint - ask her, "Will you help me pick out a gift for my mom?"
Bachelor Tip #16-C: Pick-up hint - tell your neighbor your drains are clogged and ask to shower in her place.
Bachelor Tip #16-D: Don't just send flowers - buy billboard space across from her apartment pleading for a date.
Bachelor Tip #16-E: Produce a late night "Date (Your Name)" infomercial.
Bachelor Tip #16-F: Try the inmate release gate at women's prisons. Hey, just sayin'...
Bachelor Tip #15: Pick-up hint for getting nurses: Tell her you were a hostage and haven't had sex in 12 years.
Bachelor Tip #14: Third grader pick-up hint: Stick worms in your Snak-Pak pudding and show all the girls. (NOTE: Do not try this as an adult.)
Bachelor Tip #13: When those pick-up hints don't work, you have to tell her exactly how you feel - be honest with her, express your true feelings, share with her, be sincere, and all that shit. (See tip #43)
BREAKING UP: Because you care for her and don't want to hurt her; because she's special and deserves someone who can give her what she deserves; or see Tip #78.
Bachelor Tip #11-A: If you feel yourself weakening, imagine her saying: "I'm pregnant!", or "My husband's been paroled!" or "My herpes is out of remission!" or "I'm a man!"
Bachelor Tip #10: Breaking up is NEVER a mutual decision - whoever brings it up first wins. Whoever says it second will feel dumped, whether they wanted to break up or not.
Bachelor Tip #9: When breaking up with your girlfriend always be up front. Be direct, yet gentle. Take her someplace she likes to go, so the evening won't seem quite so horrible. Also, she's less likely to do something crazy or violent - she'll want to come back.
Bachelor Tip #8: Tip for breaking up: "If you want out, you gotta telegraph it. Billboards. Print media. I see a possible infomercial. You explain the benefits of her being an unattached woman again!" (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #8-A: Alternate Tip for breaking up: "Hit her with the stats, baby: Tell her three out of every five marriages end up in divorce. You don't want that, do you? Then shut-up. Don't say a word. The first one that talks loses. Just run. Bingo." (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #8-B: Alternate Tip for breaking up II: "Show her the real you. Be sincere, tell her you made a mistake. Show her you're a man. Be up front, honest, genuine, compassionate... if that doesn't work... Tell her you're a homo - then you're out of there, baby!" (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #7: Avoid this phrase: "How could I have taken you for granted? I haven't even talked to you in three weeks!"
Bachelor Tip #7-A: Avoid this phrase: "It's not you, it's me... thinking you're not good enough for me."
Bachelor Tip #6: For the dumpee - if one woman breaks your heart, then answer is simple: Get a different one (formerly #1,273 subparagraph 'A').
Bachelor Tip #5: Don't forget the breakup sex.
Bachelor Tip #4: You pussy...
Bachelor Tip #4-A: Double-pussy! Super-pussy! Are you nuts??? What the hell are you thinking??? Where's your will power? Where's your freaking self-respect??? You were in the clear! Quadruple pussy! Über-pussy! Pussy so pussified that all of the other pussies even call you a pussy! A pussy so low even Oprah and Gayle King wouldn't lick you! Did I mention you're a PUSSY, you pussy?
Bachelor Tip #3: Don't forget the makeup sex...
Bachelor Tip #2: The more you break up with her, the easier it gets; the more you make up with her, the harder it gets.
... AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE ALL-TIME, #1, MOST IMPORTANT BACHELOR TIP OF ALL: